I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past several weeks. And I believe I've come to some tough decisions - decisions that needed to be made if I want to get through this. I've been going through some difficult times since about the end of August. Sometime in September it dawned on me that I wasn't acting like myself. Believe or not, it did take me some time to even realize this. I'm usually the typical Type A person: organized, motivated, always working towards goals, etc. But I wasn't any of that. It's hard to describe how I was feeling or what I was thinking, but it's almost as if I felt so overwhelmed that I was paralyzed - just couldn't do anything at all. There were a few things that brought me to that point, I believe. First, I have gone through many major life changes over the past 9 months - practically all at the same time. Luke and I moved into our first house in December, adopted our dog in January, I started my new career in June, Luke deployed in June, and I "officially" started in my graduate program in September (although this is my fourth semester taking grad courses). And of course there is Luke's deployment to Iraq. Going through a deployment makes everything harder. It affects EVERYTHING you do in one way or another. It's a weight that just doesn't go away. And I'm starting to realize that when you're going through a deployment you just don't have as much energy as you usually do. You just don't. Part of you is simply sucked up by that deployment until it is over. And you need to take note of that and adjust your life accordingly. For some reason I thought this time it might be easier, since this is our second deployment. But it's not any easier. On the contrary, it's harder.
I talked to Luke and some close friends and family about my "issues," if that's what you'd call them. Multiple people asked if I was depressed. It was true that I was feeling debilitated. I just couldn't seem to get anything done. Even the simplest tasks seemed difficult to complete, when I'm usually a get 'er done kind of girl. I was fine socially, but I knew that behind closed doors I was different. And although it stressed me out, I didn't try to change the way I was acting. So maybe I was depressed - I didn't know. I never knew anyone who dealt with depression, so it was hard for me to recognize. I was not opposed to speaking to someone professionally, but I first wanted to talk it out with friends/family and try to analyze my situation myself. And so I did. And for weeks I pulled apart my situation. I analyzed my feelings and my behavior. It was exhausting, but well worth it. I've decided that the solution is pretty simple - I need to refocus and prioritize my life differently. Lately I've been seriously asking myself what is important to me. What would my ideal life look like right now? Well, this is what I want:
* To focus on my job and dedicate more of my energy to it. I LOVE my new job. I envision myself being there for a long time. I make good money and there is room for me to grow there. It's hard to dedicate all your energy to your day job when you have so many other things going on in your life. You only have so much energy to go around....
* To get much more involved with my church. I also LOVE our new church. They are completely in line with what I believe to be the Truth, and they have so much to offer. I want to join a small group and start participating in more of their special sessions/gatherings. But right now I don't have the time to do any of this. I really believe that I need to surround myself with people who believe what I believe right now. I need to let my God rule my life so that I can get through this tough time I'm having and this awful deployment. And I also believe that tapping into my spirituality more now will better prepare me to be a good Mother in the near future.
* To take better care of myself physically - I need to EXERCISE! This may seem like a silly thing to add to this list, but I don't think it is. Everyone knows that you feel better when you exercise - releasing endorphins and all that jazz. Yes, I have this dance class now. But that is only 1.5 hours per week, and when I dance I get winded easily. It's obvious that I need more physical activity. And again, I don't feel like I have the time right now. Although I did recently find out that family of deployed soldiers get free memberships to the YMCA - so that will be my jump start to this new goal.
* To continue doing freelance, but maybe not as much. I enjoy freelance, as it is the fun and more creative side to what I do. And it does allow me to make extra income, but I don't want it to take up all my time. And I need to pull back a bit until this deployment is over (again, recognizing that I don't have as much energy while going through this).
You'll notice that this list did not include school. I have decided that I should no longer be in grad school. There are multiple reasons for this. First, I believe my view on grad school changed when I got this job back in June. I now have an awesome job in my field. I make good money and I love it. Most people (not all, but most) go to grad school because they want that specific job and that job requires that specific degree. They have very specific purpose for what they are doing. Well, I'm not in that boat. Why AM I doing this anyway? I have no motivation for it. It feels like a burden that sucks up my time and energy, when all I really want to be doing is the things from my list above. If I continue it would take me about 6 or 7 years to actually get my degree. Luke and I are probably having a baby in 2-3 years, and the Lord knows I don't want to have a baby AND be in grad school. That would be ridiculous. I think I was more interested in the title - being able to say that I have a masters degree. That is not a good enough reason. I am hoping that the chance to re-enter the program is still there for me in the future. Since I plan to be working here at the U for years to come, I know that I would still be eligible for free tuition. But I do need to meet with an advisor in my college to see if they ever accept you back once you've quit. I don't know if I actually would go back, but I do want to keep the door open and I don't want to burn any bridges. You'd think they'd understand that life happens. Oh well, we'll see. Either way, it won't change my decision. The decision has been made. And besides, maybe I wasn't even enrolled in the right program. I didn't really shop around for one that suited me and my career goals. Maybe in the future I'll need to get my MBA instead. Who knows....
I am very happy with my new outlook and new plans. I will continue this semester and finish my philosophical foundations class. But come December I am done. I'm very excited at the thought of being able to do what I really want with my life and what I believe is right. These changes will lift a burden from me, and I need that right now more than anything.
