Numb

Being apart from Luke for so long has left me feeling numb. It's hard for me to even remember what it's like to have him with me, to have him by my side, to be with him.... it makes me sad. I calculated it all, and after he comes home from Iraq in June he'll have been gone 3 out of our 9 years together - that's 1/3. 1/3! I couldn't believe it. It's sad that I'm actually getting used to his absence.... but not by choice. I want to be with him every hour of every day. When we have a family someday (hopefully in the near future) I want him to be there for everything - to not miss one thing. But unfortunately I know that he will miss things. The sacrifice is great. It is greater than anyone could imagine. It has left me numb.

Disconnected and Discontent

I'm feeling very far from God right now. I am not as connected to Him now as I would hope to be. I do not pray as much as I should lately. I feel my relationship with Him is dwindling. My hope is that this is due in part to the fact that I am on my last leg of refocusing and prioritizing my life. I have just under four more weeks until I am done with school and done with a few major freelance projects. Once I hit that long-awaited day when those things are done, I can start to shift my focus and devote my time to the more important things I mentioned in a previous note: Church, God, work, exercise.

I know that I shouldn't be making excuses for my lack of spirituality. It's not like I won't come across busy times in the future, and I know busyness should not stop one from maintaining a relationship with God. I know I need to work on this. I realize that my very nature presents a struggle to devote to multiple things at the same time. This is because I am a type-A perfectionist who yearns to give everything she does no less than 100% effort. Well, that's a little hard to accomplish when your list of "everything" is very long. In other words, I am not the type who can have ten major things going on at the same time, and if I do then they will not all get the attention and dedication they deserve. This is the very reason I decided I needed to refocus and prioritize what I do in my life. Less than four more weeks.... hopefully things will get better then.

Works well under pressure

So this is it - the last big push in my grad class. I have a presentation to give on Monday and a paper due in one week. The unfortunate thing is that I pretty much need the paper done before I can prepare the presentation (the presentation is based on the paper). I haven't started either of these. Eeeks. Well, good thing I work well under pressure. I've made procrastination a habit in school, regrettably. These two assignments are pretty much it for this class and my graduate school endeavors at this point in time. There is a final group project, but that will prove to be fairly simple. I'm very much looking forward to not having to worry about school any longer. I'm so close! I just found out that our final class is on December 10. My birthday is December 11. That is going to be the best birthday present ever! :)

COLDPLAY

Tonight is the long-awaited Coldplay concert! I bought tickets (literally) the minute they went on sale back in May. The concert was supposed to be in July, but they postponed it until November. I told my best friend Sam that I would buy the tickets if she found a way to make it up here from Chicago. She is living there right now and going to grad school. So I will be picking her up this afternoon, we'll go to Cosetta's for dinner, and then Coldplay!

They are absolutely my favorite band and I haven't missed one of their MN concerts in the past 6 years. Their music just moves me. It brings out emotion in me like no other music does. I can't wait to see them again - I'm expecting to be impressed!

Inspired by OLIVIA

I've always been interested in the idea of writing/illustrating children's books. Recently I've been thinking about it on a more serious level. Last weekend I went to Barnes and Noble to check out the children's section and see what is being done in the world of children's literature. That's when I found the OLIVIA series by Ian Falconer. I was completely blown away. How inspiring! Ian's illustrations are wonderful and I love everything about them. He uses black & white charcoal with splashes of red, and his illustrations are very minimalist. He even incorporates photography into some of his creations. And I love how his books entertain the adult audience as well.

After my exciting discovery, I googled Ian Falconer. He is an illustrator for The New Yorker. He wrote the first OLIVIA book (there are now 4 in the series) as a gift for his niece, Olivia. He modeled the swine characters in the book after Olivia and her younger brother Ian. After finishing the book he realized it was quite good and tried to get it published. OLIVIA eventually became a New York Times bestseller and won a Caldecott Honor medal. I am feeling so inspired and hope to achieve what Ian has someday!

Sweetest Hubby

This brought tears to my eyes. I received these photos from Luke over email this morning. He spray-painted the words "Amanda, I miss you" on what looks to be an old plane in Iraq. He's always been so very thoughtful. And such a romantic! We've been together since 8th grade. I remember he would always write me poems and songs on his guitar in junior high and high school. Although the sentiment is still there now, the canvas is a little different this time.... :)

Poor Jake....

My poor Jake was diagnosed with Colitis yesterday. I guess it all started when I gave him this meaty bone I got from the U last Thursday. They sell them here specifically for dogs, so I figured it would be a good thing for Jake (something to chew on that's not my furniture...). Well, Saturday I was gone for about 4 hours - went shopping and to a movie with my mom. When I got home there was diarrhea all over the floor downstairs, and Jake was curled up in the chair - he didn't even get up to greet me. I was hoping it was a one time deal - that he just ate something bad and his body got rid of it. Then on Sunday I was gone for about 4 hours again and came home to the same exact scene. I knew something was up. Then I noticed a little blood in his stool too. So I took him to the vet at 7:00am Monday when they opened. I brought in a stool sample and one of the bones I got from the U. They said he has Colitis (inflammation of the large intestines) and that it was most likely caused by the meaty bone. They said there looked to be a lot of junk on that bone that his body just couldn't handle. They kept him hospitalized all day, re-hydrated him (he was dehydrated from the diarrhea), fed him bland soft foods periodically throughout the day, and he'll be on medication for 5 days. I feel so bad!!! My poor poor Jakey. This photo was taken Sunday night when he wasn't feeling well. So pathetic! :(

Babies

I've had the baby itch for about.....hmmmm.......6 months now. I REALLY want a baby. I'm ready to turn my life upside down for a child. Luke and I have been together for nearly nine years now. I love him - he's my best friend. But I think we've had enough us time. I think we need a mini-Stombaugh in the house. The sad part is that my hubby is not here. And I don't know when a baby will happen. And I know I cannot rush Luke. After having gone through a deployment once before, I know that he will need adjustment time when he gets home. And neither of us really know how long that will be. At first I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe that he would be ready the day he got home, and that we would have a "war baby," as they say. But I now know that is selfish.

I have so many friends who are pregnant right now and although I try so hard to just remain happy for them, sadness for myself always creeps in along with it. I want a tummy that's growing right now. I just have this aching inside of me. It's a strange feeling that I can't really explain. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about what our little one will look like and what it will feel like to hold them. I want that now, but cannot have it.....

Refocus and Prioritization

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past several weeks. And I believe I've come to some tough decisions - decisions that needed to be made if I want to get through this. I've been going through some difficult times since about the end of August. Sometime in September it dawned on me that I wasn't acting like myself. Believe or not, it did take me some time to even realize this. I'm usually the typical Type A person: organized, motivated, always working towards goals, etc. But I wasn't any of that. It's hard to describe how I was feeling or what I was thinking, but it's almost as if I felt so overwhelmed that I was paralyzed - just couldn't do anything at all. There were a few things that brought me to that point, I believe. First, I have gone through many major life changes over the past 9 months - practically all at the same time. Luke and I moved into our first house in December, adopted our dog in January, I started my new career in June, Luke deployed in June, and I "officially" started in my graduate program in September (although this is my fourth semester taking grad courses). And of course there is Luke's deployment to Iraq. Going through a deployment makes everything harder. It affects EVERYTHING you do in one way or another. It's a weight that just doesn't go away. And I'm starting to realize that when you're going through a deployment you just don't have as much energy as you usually do. You just don't. Part of you is simply sucked up by that deployment until it is over. And you need to take note of that and adjust your life accordingly. For some reason I thought this time it might be easier, since this is our second deployment. But it's not any easier. On the contrary, it's harder.

I talked to Luke and some close friends and family about my "issues," if that's what you'd call them. Multiple people asked if I was depressed. It was true that I was feeling debilitated. I just couldn't seem to get anything done. Even the simplest tasks seemed difficult to complete, when I'm usually a get 'er done kind of girl. I was fine socially, but I knew that behind closed doors I was different. And although it stressed me out, I didn't try to change the way I was acting. So maybe I was depressed - I didn't know. I never knew anyone who dealt with depression, so it was hard for me to recognize. I was not opposed to speaking to someone professionally, but I first wanted to talk it out with friends/family and try to analyze my situation myself. And so I did. And for weeks I pulled apart my situation. I analyzed my feelings and my behavior. It was exhausting, but well worth it. I've decided that the solution is pretty simple - I need to refocus and prioritize my life differently. Lately I've been seriously asking myself what is important to me. What would my ideal life look like right now? Well, this is what I want:

* To focus on my job and dedicate more of my energy to it. I LOVE my new job. I envision myself being there for a long time. I make good money and there is room for me to grow there. It's hard to dedicate all your energy to your day job when you have so many other things going on in your life. You only have so much energy to go around....

* To get much more involved with my church. I also LOVE our new church. They are completely in line with what I believe to be the Truth, and they have so much to offer. I want to join a small group and start participating in more of their special sessions/gatherings. But right now I don't have the time to do any of this. I really believe that I need to surround myself with people who believe what I believe right now. I need to let my God rule my life so that I can get through this tough time I'm having and this awful deployment. And I also believe that tapping into my spirituality more now will better prepare me to be a good Mother in the near future.

* To take better care of myself physically - I need to EXERCISE! This may seem like a silly thing to add to this list, but I don't think it is. Everyone knows that you feel better when you exercise - releasing endorphins and all that jazz. Yes, I have this dance class now. But that is only 1.5 hours per week, and when I dance I get winded easily. It's obvious that I need more physical activity. And again, I don't feel like I have the time right now. Although I did recently find out that family of deployed soldiers get free memberships to the YMCA - so that will be my jump start to this new goal.

* To continue doing freelance, but maybe not as much. I enjoy freelance, as it is the fun and more creative side to what I do. And it does allow me to make extra income, but I don't want it to take up all my time. And I need to pull back a bit until this deployment is over (again, recognizing that I don't have as much energy while going through this).

You'll notice that this list did not include school. I have decided that I should no longer be in grad school. There are multiple reasons for this. First, I believe my view on grad school changed when I got this job back in June. I now have an awesome job in my field. I make good money and I love it. Most people (not all, but most) go to grad school because they want that specific job and that job requires that specific degree. They have very specific purpose for what they are doing. Well, I'm not in that boat. Why AM I doing this anyway? I have no motivation for it. It feels like a burden that sucks up my time and energy, when all I really want to be doing is the things from my list above. If I continue it would take me about 6 or 7 years to actually get my degree. Luke and I are probably having a baby in 2-3 years, and the Lord knows I don't want to have a baby AND be in grad school. That would be ridiculous. I think I was more interested in the title - being able to say that I have a masters degree. That is not a good enough reason. I am hoping that the chance to re-enter the program is still there for me in the future. Since I plan to be working here at the U for years to come, I know that I would still be eligible for free tuition. But I do need to meet with an advisor in my college to see if they ever accept you back once you've quit. I don't know if I actually would go back, but I do want to keep the door open and I don't want to burn any bridges. You'd think they'd understand that life happens. Oh well, we'll see. Either way, it won't change my decision. The decision has been made. And besides, maybe I wasn't even enrolled in the right program. I didn't really shop around for one that suited me and my career goals. Maybe in the future I'll need to get my MBA instead. Who knows....

I am very happy with my new outlook and new plans. I will continue this semester and finish my philosophical foundations class. But come December I am done. I'm very excited at the thought of being able to do what I really want with my life and what I believe is right. These changes will lift a burden from me, and I need that right now more than anything.

Hear no romance, Speak no romance, See no romance (written 9.24.2008)

This is the only way I can get by without feeling the pain of physical separation. And it's working. Bring on the action flicks!